I can't do this right now

Now I'm coming down
thinking about everything again
feeling like this is the end.
Then I hear you say 'it's OK, my friend'

I hardly believe you and I'm tired of thinking
so I get to thinking
":Maybe one more hit won't kill me"

I can't do this anymore
I'm trying not to need you
I do, though, and it kills me.
I'm freaking out and ducking down;
trying to stay focused and not lose myself again.
I've been so loose, though;
all you do is help me make my noose.

I'm tired but I don't want to sleep.
I'm full now and all I do is eat.
My body isn't working how I want it to
and my mind is making me it's slave again.

I think I love you
Oh, my God, I love you.
Not again, not like this, not right now.

I'm so bored, just looking for entertainment,
and I've found nothing.

It's too late to be jammin'
and too dark to go swimming
I'd like to see you tonight but the boss is home and I can't leave.
I haven't felt like this in a real long time
I hadn't had a dream like that in just as long.
To dream of disaster, like a spineless monster, I'm off my rocker.
I'm out to play
I'm broken beyond repair,
So no I can't help you repair yours.

Leave me alone and do it yourself.
I'm over you.

I just can't do this right now
I can't be alone and I can't remember my painful past
for it still hurts; time has not healed me of this.

I am almost sad
I am nearly mad
I am encroaching upon desperation.
I am just so alone and lost.

Feeling to much
Feeling too little
I will never be able to find a balance
This is my flaw.

     I thought about killing myself, and then I realized that no one would care, and then I thought about killing myself again.

I turn to the bottle, because the bottle never says no.
The bottle never gives me excuses or gets tired on me
I tip it back, repeatedly, because when I get tired it is the best medicine.
When I want to forget, it wipes my mind and when I want to feel or vent, it removes my filter.
When I am beyond words, but no tears I find, it releases the flood gates and I feel OK.
When I am empty beyond my own strength, it helps me forget, if only for the moment that I am alive.
When I wake up and wish I wasn't awake, I drink, and then I can pretend I'm just dreaming about getting pulled over, losing my life and having to see my dads face, as he desires, so dreadfully desires, to not be my father.

He couldn't have been a better father, and I couldn't have been a worse son.
I am all broken inside.
Inside my mind and inside my heart.
Everything is shattered.

I often wonder how odd it is for a male to have daddy issues. I know that I have them, although I've never quite researched exactly what they are said to be. I only know that I feel, at every moment in my life that I am letting my dad down. That I am doing exactly the opposite of what he wants.

I have dreams that consist solely of my father talking to me in a disappointed voice and asking me how I could possibly do this to him. How I could possibly do this to my mother and how I could possibly make these choices over and over again. And then I wake up. And I find tears on my pillow and a pain in my side. All I can think is how sorry I am and how much I don't want to be alive at that moment.

Collection.

With your eyes closed, watching a strange show play out in your head but you were smiling somehow.
And your day froze and everyone in it, sat still as a rose, but we were moving somehow.
Back to when we started, losing who we were, maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.
Back to when we started, losing who we were, everybody knows that, you'd break your neck to keep your chin up.

I never stop feeling strange because you never know if you really change.
You can never tell if your center stage is thin as glass and never meant to think
And you never feel good or bad only strange and unprepared, because I never see it coming or me leaving
And I will always, never know. And I will always.

Beautiful Smile. Laughing Nourishment.

     Don't stop, Don't you dare. How selfish it would be of you to ever let your muscles relax. The world needs your smile. The radiation is a necessity of worldly proportions and I need it. I need your smile and I need your laughter. More than I need food. Without them, your smile and laughter, I am weak and any food that I ingest does me no good.

     I feel as if it's easy to lose sight of what's a real necessity and what isn't. I say this however, with much thought. Your smile and happiness brighten my life. When I am not bright, when I am dark and suffering from my own mind, I am useless. Even more useless to myself than I am to others and if I can't help myself, what good am I? No, no, you must understand now. I should not have to keep repeating myself, but I have to and I know it. I know that you have a hard time really knowing that I mean what I say when I say such things. I don't say it lightly, I don't. I've thought and pondered and even before I was free my hand grasped yours in a desperate attempt to break free. I never told you though and you never felt it. I was there, though, and my hand sent messages to my brain through my nerves that I can't imagine ever reproducing. To feel you close to me is now the most exciting feeling I know.

     Don't look down!! look up at the world around you, for it is astounded by your beauty. It clings to your every word and takes it's time understanding you. For as long as we can hear or see you, we will be content. I can't breathe without you here and I know you don't want me to die. Or do you? I've been wrong before and lately you've just held so much hate towards me, I'm not sure if you even care if I live or die. I don't really care if I live or die, so why should you?

     If I died today, where would you be? If I died tomorrow, would that have been enough time for you to get over me just enough to not want to kill yourself?

     I have completely ruined the joy of this post.

You're welcome.

The Black Sheep boy.

I am waiting on hoof and on hand.
I am waiting all hated and damned.
I am waiting - I snort and I stamp
I am waiting, you know that I am,
Calmly waiting, to make you my lamb.

A Black sheep boy dissolves,
in hot cream and in sweet moans.

     I am about to ,albeit poorly, tell you what I think this song means. I'm listening to it now, obviously and I must say that it is a very very lovely tune. It's subtle and soft and it's edgy and deep. It's like all of the wonderful things that I love in one song. He dabbles, un-ashamedly, in sex and drugs and brings with him many different tones that make this song beautiful in music while it is meaningful in word.

     The art of song writing is beyond glorious. It is beyond thought and reaches the less invasive and elaborate world of feeling. You must feel what you want to be saying and exude it through your instrument and while there are some ways of playing without feeling, if you do not feel, only those who follow suite will care for your music. At least, that's how I understand it.

     Will sheff feels so much and has felt beyond what I can believe to ever feel in my entire life. It is a terrifying notion, to those of us who feel more than normal, to think that these feelings are in our control, when perhaps they are not. It is terrifying to feel like I have to know everything in order to do what I have to do correctly. It is a terrifying feeling to think that I have to be perfect. That thought brings tears to my eyes. It makes me feel like I have to be perfect towards everyone and that I have to do everything I do for other people. That was a horribly composed sentence.

It breaks.

     Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now it seems they're here to stay.

     For the sake of being thought of as funny, David once again found himself in that extremely foolish, awkward place of being laughed at. At least he can say that he controlled why they were laughing at him now. It's a sad thing when intelligence is a laughable matter. What's more sad is that when David went home, this intelligence and pain was always overshadowed by Dad.

     For David, home was in a nice enough part of town, the lawn was always cut and the paint was chipped all to hell behind the shutters. Mom smiled for the neighbors but I could hear her crying every night Dad wasn't home. I still can't decide or remember why dad was always gone. Maybe my child's brain blocked out all of that ugly mess. Then why couldn't it block out everything else? Every other step, the floor creaked and all the doors hinges needed oil. When dad came home, the good was never good enough, if he even acknowledged that, and the bad was always all that his blind eyes could see. Without a glimmer of hope for any kind of advancement in his relationship with Dad, David made the decision one night to just duck his head and run with all of his might. High reward but also high risk. For if he fell or failed, Dad was sure to be there to point it out. If he was able to make it, though, the peace and freedom would be endless. To stay up all night and figure out all of his problems was his goal. To disappear from his dad's world: his mission.

     My skin crawls and my eyelids want only to rest, but I must pull through. Pushing against you is hard work and my knees are already 80 years old, but I must do what I have to. I have to be what I know I can be, and do so without you, because I know I can. I have a very strong sense of independence and I hope, for my sake and all those around me that I am able to control myself in all ways and make something of myself without hurting anyone who so happens to be around when I do so.

   

The Day of the Cliff Waltz

     It looks like a beautiful day outside from the safety and comfort of my A/C, but I know how deceiving this Texas weather is. Everything about it is deceiving. Anyway, I'm going to work today, my boss, James, asked me to work a couple hours at his wife's store. I really hope my friend Anne is the manager tonight. That would be super dandy. Anyway, I had a pretty late night last night, I'm not even sure what all I was doing. I was probably on Youtube and on the phone and playing with my cat. I don't know. Perhaps you'd like to see a picture of my cat? yes, good. that will happen someday. but not soon, I don't think.

     Besides playing with my cat and working, I spend a lot of time listening to music and falling in love with the artists as if I actually knew them. This is my secret pleasure, you see, falling in love with people who don't  even know I exist. It's something that I do that I know is incredibly crass and unhealthy but I can't help it. Right now, as you can imagine I am listening to one of these very artists. The bands name is Sucre and the girl who sings is Stacy King, formerly Stacy DuPree a member of the band Eisley. This song is called The Cliff Waltz. One of the more amazing song titles that I've heard in a very long time. It's very soft against my ears and it warms my bare skin not entangled in my blanket. The day has so quickly gone from a beautiful December day in Texas to a frigid, wet night in January.

     New years has come and gone just as quickly and in an equally unimpressive manner as all the days before and since. The same could be said for Christmas and Thanksgiving. My desire to share holiday's time with my family seems to be diminishing with age. I am constantly told that emotions have no place in anyone's life. I am seamlessly beginning to wish that I was very very far away from here. I see myself just disappearing from my family's life and being so very happy. I see my dad, in his office where I usually see him in a soft place, crying because I'm gone and reading the letter I've left him. What I've told him, he can't believe. He will not acknowledge what I've told him, even in the slightest and in my dreams this makes me happy that I've left him.

     I've told him that it was his fault and that he could have, so easily, kept me in his life had he just listened to me when I told him he was wrong. I would hope that he would see his errors because now I'm gone and what else is there for him to try to hold on to if not his child? I don't think I'm making myself clear here but I can not think of how to say it any better.