I can't do this right now

Now I'm coming down
thinking about everything again
feeling like this is the end.
Then I hear you say 'it's OK, my friend'

I hardly believe you and I'm tired of thinking
so I get to thinking
":Maybe one more hit won't kill me"

I can't do this anymore
I'm trying not to need you
I do, though, and it kills me.
I'm freaking out and ducking down;
trying to stay focused and not lose myself again.
I've been so loose, though;
all you do is help me make my noose.

I'm tired but I don't want to sleep.
I'm full now and all I do is eat.
My body isn't working how I want it to
and my mind is making me it's slave again.

I think I love you
Oh, my God, I love you.
Not again, not like this, not right now.

I'm so bored, just looking for entertainment,
and I've found nothing.

It's too late to be jammin'
and too dark to go swimming
I'd like to see you tonight but the boss is home and I can't leave.
I haven't felt like this in a real long time
I hadn't had a dream like that in just as long.
To dream of disaster, like a spineless monster, I'm off my rocker.
I'm out to play
I'm broken beyond repair,
So no I can't help you repair yours.

Leave me alone and do it yourself.
I'm over you.

I just can't do this right now
I can't be alone and I can't remember my painful past
for it still hurts; time has not healed me of this.

I am almost sad
I am nearly mad
I am encroaching upon desperation.
I am just so alone and lost.

Feeling to much
Feeling too little
I will never be able to find a balance
This is my flaw.

     I thought about killing myself, and then I realized that no one would care, and then I thought about killing myself again.

I turn to the bottle, because the bottle never says no.
The bottle never gives me excuses or gets tired on me
I tip it back, repeatedly, because when I get tired it is the best medicine.
When I want to forget, it wipes my mind and when I want to feel or vent, it removes my filter.
When I am beyond words, but no tears I find, it releases the flood gates and I feel OK.
When I am empty beyond my own strength, it helps me forget, if only for the moment that I am alive.
When I wake up and wish I wasn't awake, I drink, and then I can pretend I'm just dreaming about getting pulled over, losing my life and having to see my dads face, as he desires, so dreadfully desires, to not be my father.

He couldn't have been a better father, and I couldn't have been a worse son.
I am all broken inside.
Inside my mind and inside my heart.
Everything is shattered.

I often wonder how odd it is for a male to have daddy issues. I know that I have them, although I've never quite researched exactly what they are said to be. I only know that I feel, at every moment in my life that I am letting my dad down. That I am doing exactly the opposite of what he wants.

I have dreams that consist solely of my father talking to me in a disappointed voice and asking me how I could possibly do this to him. How I could possibly do this to my mother and how I could possibly make these choices over and over again. And then I wake up. And I find tears on my pillow and a pain in my side. All I can think is how sorry I am and how much I don't want to be alive at that moment.

Collection.

With your eyes closed, watching a strange show play out in your head but you were smiling somehow.
And your day froze and everyone in it, sat still as a rose, but we were moving somehow.
Back to when we started, losing who we were, maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.
Back to when we started, losing who we were, everybody knows that, you'd break your neck to keep your chin up.

I never stop feeling strange because you never know if you really change.
You can never tell if your center stage is thin as glass and never meant to think
And you never feel good or bad only strange and unprepared, because I never see it coming or me leaving
And I will always, never know. And I will always.